After the Fall
by Trickster Kitsune
Summary: Kakyou contemplates his lonely life of dreams and darkness. Of his wish to die and be with Hokuto. Kakyou x Hokuto duh...


****

Title: "After the Fall"

****

Author: Trickster Kitsune

****

Series: X/1999

****

Rating: PG

****

Genre: Angst/Drama

****

Pairings: Kakyou/Hokuto

****

Disclaimer: I don't own X/1999, the characters, or the song "After the Fall" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. They belong to their rightful owners. Please don't sue.

****

Summary: Kakyou contemplates his lonely life of dreams and darkness. Of his wish to die and be with Hokuto.

****

A/N: This is kind of an AU (Alternate Universe) songfic from Kakyou's POV (I love doing 1st person!). In this story, Hokuto is dead physically, but she still remains in Kakyou's dreams as if she is alive. Ex.) He can touch her, she can touch him. Please r/r! ^__^

~*~*~*~

__

"Time

Only time

Could never take me away from you"

Darkness is everywhere in my dreams now. Ever since Hokuto died, I remained in the darkest of dreams. I haven't seen the sea in my dreams for weeks. Or is it years? Time is nothing when your heart is dead.

However, I do know one form of time that means something: the time I spend with Hokuto's spirit. Her body is dead and gone, but her spirit still thrives in my dreams.

I just wish that I could have told her some things before she died. But they don't matter now. Time cannot take her away, but death can.

__

"And why

Should it try

Time never cares just what we do"

The outside world doesn't care what we do, for I only allow a select few into my dreams. But death enjoys torturing me; causing me pain and sorrow. It rips into my dreams, showing me death and destruction. However, that "time" is past for me. Hokuto is dead and now I can truly only see her in my dreams.

Time here doesn't care what we do, just as long as we are happy.

__

"It just sits on a star

And gazes down

Dropping its moments all around

And if I could wish upon that star

I would find what you dream

And then ask God to grant it"

I look into the darkness above my head and see the millions of stars that replicate the sky outside of my dream. Unlike real stars, these never fade, except for the sixteen brightest that represents the lives of the Dragons of Heaven and of Earth. However, there is one star that is dimmer than the others, Hokuto's star. You would think that it would have disappeared when she died, but she still lives with me, waiting for the time when I can finally join her in the darkness forever.

For now, though, I just live; awaiting the end of the world and enjoying her pleasant company.

I know that she still dreams, even in death dreams come to her. I know because that is how she comes to me, like she did when we first met. I know what she dreams, even the things she doesn't want me to know about. A smile forms on my lips. She never was very good at hiding things from me.

I gaze up at the stars above. Every so often, a shooting star streaks across the blackness, leaving a sparkling trail in its wake that harmlessly rains down around me. I sometimes envision those sparkles as the tears of those who have been lost in this battle of Heaven and Earth. Though I belong to those of Earth, I wish for _everyone's_ hopes to be realized.

Just as I hope for the wish Hokuto and I share: the wish to be together forever. However, wish as I might, it never comes true for either of us.

__

"I wanted

To say this

Long before this dark would fall

At night I

Would pray this

Then wonder if God heard at all

For the chances I've had are now long gone

And that star is no longer wished upon

For on this night it seems too far away"

Hokuto doesn't know of our shared dream. She doesn't realize how much I care for her, love her. But I never got a chance to tell her that before she died. A tear falls down my cheek, hitting my clenched fist. If she had known, would she have gone to face the Sakurazukamori for her brother? Would she would have gone and died?

I wrap my arms around myself, seeking comfort but finding none. When she died, I wished that it were only a stray dream that had no meaning, that wasn't real. But when God didn't acknowledge my prayers, I gave up and sank into this darkness. The only light is that of the rare visits I have from Hokuto's spirit. I think that if she knew how I felt, she would visit more often. But I'm too afraid to admit anything, fearing that my feelings will be used against me.

So I just sit here alone, ignoring the shooting stars overhead. My only chance for eternal happiness is gone forever.

__

"Try

I have tried

To pretend that I don't care

But then

Sleep arrives

And in every dream I find you there"

I try not to care about my loss or the losses of others. I try to convince myself that my heart is dead. I try, but I don't succeed. Dreams always over come me and I see Hokuto again.

I look up for a moment, startled out of my dark thoughts by a small glow in the distant blackness. I raise my head more, wiping the tears from my eyes. Then I see her. Hokuto is just like I remember her when we first met. Her eyes look like they are never sad, that she never cries. She is a bright spot in this dark realm of my heart.

A light that I never want to see fade.

__

"But I don't want the past to be my life

And I don't want to live inside the night

But I don't want to see your shadow fade

So I sleep and I dream

Though I don't understand it"

She sees me and comes over to my side. I can't stop the tears in my eyes from giving away the joy I have when I see her. Hokuto kneels in front of me, touching my cheek gently.

I turn away, though it pains me to do so. I see that she is hurt for a moment, but then she smiles. She is used to me acting this way. She knows that my thoughts dwell in the past, that I hate this darkness and I can't bear to have her see me in such a pitiful and depressed form.

She gently turns my face back towards her. Unconsciously, I fall into her arms, sobbing for her and myself. She holds me quietly, like she does every time I do this. I have a feeling that when the end of the world comes, my wish will not be granted and she will fade from my memory. If I fear one thing in my life, it is that. So I just continue sleeping in the real world, dreaming and trying to work through my suffering.

__

"I wanted

To say this

Long before this dark would fall

At night I

Would pray this

Then wonder if God heard at all

For the chances I've had are now long gone

And that star is no longer wished upon

For on this night it seems too far away"

"Hokuto…"

She holds my frail body close to her, stroking my hair. She smiles, resting her head against my shoulder for a moment. "Will you tell me what is one your mind? Or will you continue to keep me waiting?"

I've started to tell her how I feel about her, but I always choke up and she has to leave. No matter how much I pray, she cannot stay with me forever until I breathe my last breath. I pray that this time I can tell her…

"I have something to tell you… Something that I wanted to say for so long…"

Ever patient, she urges me on, lifting my face up to look her in the eyes. "Will you actually tell me this time? You've started our conversation like that many times before, but always change the subject."

I look into her violet eyes, my heart beating, but I shake my head a little. "What I say will mean nothing now… Now that you are dead…"

"Well, tell me anyway! Come on, Kakyou! If you keep making me wonder what is going on in that dream filled head of yours, I'll find a way to make you crack!"

I smile despite the fear in my heart. The fear is the fear of rejection. However, I decide to tell her how I feel. No matter what happens, I'll just be forced to continue this life of darkness and dreams.

I wrap my thin arms around her, sobbing into her shoulder. "I didn't have the courage to say this when you were alive… Now it will make no difference… I love you, Hokuto. I have ever since you came into my dream and showed me that there still is happiness in my life… But all of that means nothing now… You are dead and I am cursed to continue dreaming for a hopeless cause…"

I hear her gasp, but then she does something I will remember forever, even through the darkest of times. She kissed me. There are no words to describe the love I felt in that kiss… But when she pulled away from me, she had tears sparkling in her violet eyes.

"I wish you would have told me this sooner, Kakyou! If I had known, I probably wouldn't have foolishly gone off to get myself killed! But…" she suddenly pulls me towards her. "I have to go now… And Kakyou…"

I look into her eyes, my tears mirroring hers.

"I love you too…"

We hold each other in silence until she starts to fade. When she is gone, all that is left of her are her tears on the black ground of my dream. I look up at the stars and there are hundreds of shooting stars, filling the sky with their sparkling debris. The stars themselves cry when I realize that I am still to live in this hopeless dark alone.

__

"You can live your life in a thousand ways

But it all comes down to that single day

When you realize what you regret

What you can't reclaim but you can't forget

If I could just fall back into my life

And find you there inside this night

And let eternity just drift away"

I wish I had the courage to tell her how I felt when she was still alive! My life would be so much happier now. However, the Fates enjoy torturing those with weak hearts and minds. I'm just another victim of their game. I just wish I could go back in time and tell Hokuto how I feel.

But now all I can do is sleep and dream, letting my life drift away in a sea of loneliness until the day my body gives up and I can join my love in the sweet darkness of death.

I'll just dream and await Hokuto's visit. Praying for the day when my wish of death will come true and we can be together for eternity…

~*~*~*~

****

A/N: Now, wasn't _that_ a happy story! I almost pretty much cried the whole time I was typing the end. Please review and tell me what you think! ^_^


End file.
